It is my opinion that over the centuries, spiritual and moral thinkers have prescribed ways of living that lead to greater happiness over the course of a lifetime, and the best of them from Socrates to Buddha, from Jesus to Maimonides, have powerfully lived out what they taught.
The goal of a good life, they have all agreed, is a deep happiness consistent with simplicity, integrity, and a profound generosity. The great thinkers have never thought of happiness as primarily rooted in the hedonic indulgence of the senses, but rather they have described a sense of well-being and satisfaction that comes from a higher purpose pursued over time. Opinion has differed as to how happy we can expect to become in this mixed up world, and as to what goals and purposes in life really deliver on happiness.
I wish to say that I have not always been a happy person, despite my ability to seem to make those around me happy. The key spiritual secret of any happier and healthier life is the deeper kindness that can be captured with the term “Gift-love,” a term borrowed from C.S. Lewis.
We are all too often obsessed in life with what Lewis termed “Need-love,” loving and seeking the things we need, from good food to a decent coat for the winter. We certainly all need and seek to be loved, for if we do not receive love we will not be able to give it away. Yet even when we pursue the things we need, it is often not just for ourselves, but for the nearest and dearest who depend on us.
This points to the other side of life, to “Gift-love”, a sincere love of others that is commonly taught by exhortation but is really transmitted by example. My thesis, more clearly stated, is that as a side-effect or by-product of Gift-love we generally feel happier and are healthier over the whole of a life.
This thesis is old, but it can be forgotten, so it bears repeating from time to time. Indeed, it echoes in literature over the generations. Henry David Thoreau wrote that love is “the only investment that never fails.” Abraham Lincoln stated, “When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion.” It is said that Lincoln was prone to occasional melancholy. One way he overcame this was by doing “unto others” in the many small acts of neighborly kindness for which he was so well known. Ralph Waldo Emerson described the path to happiness thus: “No man can sincerely help another without helping himself.”
Sincerely is the key word. There is an after-glow when we do good, a satisfaction that flows from authentic giving, and not from actions that are primarily motivated by self-concern. Psalm 11:25 reads, “Those who refresh others are themselves refreshed.” The “kitchen table” wisdom around this thesis is perennial.
A happier life revolves around at least one immaterial good – love. We cannot grasp Gift-love like a coin, but this warmth and concern for another is more real and meaningful than anything we can possess. Here is an exercise: close your eyes and intensely imagine giving to the person in your life who you love most, and then open your eyes and feel your heart strangely warmed. This state of being and related action in Gift-love is the Highest Spiritual Good for each of first because giving does so much for others, and secondarily, because it is a key source of joy and health for givers.
When we cultivate sincere Gift-love through day-to-day practice, we inadvertently discover the great paradox that underlies fuller human flourishing – in the giving of self lies the surprising discovery of a happier and healthier self. This paradox underlies most spiritual and moral wisdom.
I believe sustainable happiness, which is an enduring inner joy, does not lie in worldly power and fame, although a good life will often be recognized and celebrated as such.
We all have real needs for tangible possessions, and having the basics is naturally going to relieve stress, but ample research and my own experience shows that sustainable happiness does not come from that new pair of pricey designer jeans or a fancier car. These external successes are fleeting victories on the “hedonic treadmill” even at their best. Sustainable happiness comes mostly from within us. Oliver Wendell Holmes put this point well: “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” Tolstoy grasped this by emphasizing that, “the kingdom of heaven is within you” (Luke 17:20). So we very often encounter people who do not have much, but they do have radiant and joyful Gift-love, and their smile is so natural, so real, and so sincere.
Many difficult circumstances befall us all, and in the end, no one gets out of life alive. But it is to our great advantage to find a way through life in Gift-love, for the alternatives of bitterness and hostility will harm us over time like acid on metal. We are ultimately in charge of our responses to life, something I am learning daily.
We create peace or a nightmare in freedom; and we are always free to denounce illusions and return to love. How significant individual choice is. Abraham Lincoln, who was no fool, wrote, “A man is just about as happy as he makes up his mind to be” and as a wise friend just recently reminded me “Happiness takes work”.
In the Hebrew Bible, Job lost his house, wife, children, riches, and even his health. He was completely wiped out, and he was rightly angry. Every bad thing happened to him that could. Yet through this terrible testing Job never loses his faith in the ultimate power of goodness. Good things finally happened for Job, though there were bad things along the way, and far too often too hard to bare.
We must all be Jobs in that we are all tested, and when we are tested there is a deeper kind of learning that goes on. It is experiential, not intellectual. There is a frightening darkness that comes from disappointment, tragedy, hurt, illness, or injustice, but by showing concern for others, however, regardless of circumstances, we rise up to our deeper identity and dignity as human beings.
Suffering can be so deep that we just want to give up, and we may become self-destructive or destroy the lives of those we love, in the process. In reality, we simply have no good option other than to defiantly refuse to give up on the ways and the power of love.
There are three aspects to the happiness that Gift-love brings to the giver. First, as Washington Irving, put it so well: “Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.” So first, as Plato understood, to be good is to be in harmony with oneself, and to live meaningfully. Gift-love is its own emotional and spiritual reward, and no one can take this away. Second, Gift-love often does beget love, just as hate usually begets hate, and so good givers need to be good receivers, although sometimes they are not. Third, though, we should never count on reciprocity because this is sure to be frustrating and ultimately small-minded. Better to take joy when those upon whom our love is bestowed do not “pay it back” to us, but rather “pay it forward” to others as they move through life remembering our good example. We have only to love people and hope that, as Jesus taught, they will be inspired to “go and do likewise.” Or to bring this to the kitchen table, as I heard in a movie recently as an Italian mother tells her son, “Love and forget about it!” When a thoughtful act of Gift-love seems to achieve nothing, in the long term such actions always help sway the balance of good over evil in society and in our hearts.
Clearly I believe that when it comes to love, nothing is ever futile. That love shall conquer all. My optimism is based in a faith in love. Hope still does exist. St. Paul linked “faith, hope, and love,” and he proclaimed that “love never fails.” What is faith but having confidence that no matter how harsh a particular scene in the drama of our lives or of history might be, it is love that wrote the play and love that will be revealed in the final act. St. Paul linked faith, hope, and love together for a reason. But just as we see scenes where love seems entirely overwhelmed by hatred, so also there are scenes where love finds an almost miraculous way forward, even in the bleakest of times.
